University basketball teamsheet

21st March 2012

With just hours to go before Uni 2nds take on Trent at Clifton Campus we’ve been given an exclusive preview of the players representing Uni today:

Mark Furmston AKA Furmo Dynamics (Forward)
Our starting forward, Furmo, models himself on Liam Gallagher and would rather be singing to the crowd than playing basketball. He will belt out songs at any opportunity so if he approaches you with a guitar in his hands you know to put your fingers in your ears and run. He is known for his consistent fade away jump shot and certainly knows his way around a ring. Expect to see him penetrating at any opportunity.

Marc Waldorf AKA Question Marc (Centre)
Known as question Marc because of his inexplicable confusion at the simplest of tasks, Marc is by far the biggest player on the team, a monster inside the key. This Austrian giant will steal many offensive rebounds and your hearts. Though he commits a lot of his time to the club, he prefers spray tanning, flowery shorts and wake-boarding.

Jack Davison (Forward) AKA El Presidente AKA Captain Jack
After taking a year out from basketball honing his womanising skills by preying on the women of South America, Jack returned to NUBC as president and 2nd team captain with one goal…to beat Trent. He has patented his own post move known as the Mansfield tornado which will undoubtedly be blowing down Trent’s defences on Wednesday. He once caught a sweaty towel at a Boy George concert and has kept it under his pillow ever since.

Callum White (Forward)
Dinosaur-like in appearance and stature, Callum’s presence and height makes him an asset in the paint. Despite being a Karni rep, he is actually liked by his team mates, and is a very outgoing social sec. Expect some tidy field goals from this guy with the odd stylish post move.

Ivan Petrov (Point Guard)
Ivan moved to the UK to escape the clutches of the Bulgarian Mafia. Don’t let his small size fool you he is a hard man. Lightning quick he will without a doubt be breaking a few ankles with his slick crossovers. He never fails to wear his plush velvet blazer on game days so look out for him on the day, who knows what he has in his wardrobe for Varsity.

Kat Hanji (Point Guard)
International man of mystery. We don’t know much about Kitkat but we do know he never takes a break! The guy has many special talents including acting. He was soldier number 4 in the Last Samurai. This warrior will play hard all game and with sick handles and a sweet jumper you know this boy will light it up.

Ryan Wong (Guard)
Doesn’t speak a lick of English but knows all the words to I’ve got a feeling by the Black Eyed Peas. Renowned for buying big rounds of jagerbombs at socials, Ryan was once quoted at the bar saying ‘money is nothing, NUBC is for life’. That’s what the interpreter said anyway. You can expect plenty of shots from down town with this guy and with any luck, they won’t go WONG.

Gareth Gilson AKA: G2 AKA: G-unit AKA: G-star raw AKA: Gs on toast AKA: The Badger (Guard)
Gs on toast is the longest serving member of the club. He has been with NUBC for almost a decade, and will be celebrating his 40th birthday after the game. With grey hairs comes maturity and he shows it on court. Though expect to see him keeping the officials in order. Most importantly, he is known to make a big impact when it counts.

Charlie Spencer (Centre)
The definition of a London Geezer, think a young Ross Kemp with a bit more hair, Charlie is known for a colourful vocabulary on and off the court. Although his finesse and agility leave a little to be desired, he scores 100% on passion and raw aggression. Charlie’s technique is smash and grab and you can expect he will leave his opponent on the floor and two points on the board every time he gets the ball. Watch out for his deadly drop-step and unstoppable bank shot.

Alexander Julian Audrey Vivian Brookes-Sykes IV AKA: AJ (Guard)
This boy spends most of his waking hours drinking protein shakes or pumping iron, the supplements he takes leave him with a decent physique but some irregular bowel movements, a deadly combination. He models himself on Justin Timberlake and owns more waistcoats than Aladdin. Strong on offence and defence, a great all-round player, watch out for him on the fast breaks.

Naoufal Abouelala(lalalalala) AKA: Rocky (Guard)
Rocky came to the club with promises of new Arabian ownership and player salaries in excess of those of Wayne Rooney. But this web of lies soon unravelled that he only came to Nottingham to exhibit his gravity defying levitation dance and practice his distinctly average DJ-ing talent. Watch Rocky penetrate the key and finish every time with his textbook floater.

Dan Nkwocha (Guard) AKA Dan Dada
Dan Dada is a fresher who has come a long way since the first few weeks of the season. At first on the periphery of the team, this guy has fought his way to earn a consistent spot, and kept it. In his spare time he enjoys collecting thimbles, games of Cluedo and looking after his pet centipede which he named after his favourite pokemon, Charmander. Have the police on standby on the night, this man will be racking up the steals!

Michalis Kalopetrides (Guard)
Michalis is a first team player who has joined ranks with the mighty 2s. Fuelled with a plethora of tzatziki, he will be hitting 3 pointers and showing his aggression on defence to stop any attempt by Trent to score. He was given refuge by NUBC after he was being pursued by Greek authorities for deserting his battalion on the front line in Cyprus.

Adam McGrory AKA Tin Tin (Coach)
Vehemently refuses to partake in social activities on the away bus trips, and instead decides to plug in his earphones and munch on his packed lunch made for him by mummy. Although he earns a living as a basketball coach, his true calling in life is synchronised swimming, a sport in which he has excelled and represented Great Britain at the highest level. For such a young coach, Coach Adam possesses a wealth of experience and commands a lot of respect from his players.

Don’t forget to head down to Clifton Campus, Nottingham Trent University for 2pm on what promises to be a big day in the Varsity 2012 series. URN will be providing live texts of Women’s basketball and Lacrosse from and broadcasting live for the men’s game at 4pm. Then it’s back to live texts at 6 for netball.

Come on Uni!